Further Reflections...

 Well, where to start.....?


I guess anywhere is good....beginning might be best, but that is a long ways off, and a rather dull story, to be left for another time.

 No...

 Right now, I am thinking.


 Yes, in the now.

   Well, right now, I have no idea where I am. I mean I know I am sitting at home, typing away on my keyboard, with a glass of scotch close at hand. Location isn't what I am getting at. Where I am as a person, an individual, a human being. Thinking, believing, not in a good place. Not in a horrible place mind you, but, my place, my lot in life could be somewhat better. Not that I am asking for millions of dollars, servants, cars, women and my name in lights. That would be nice (to some degree) but not for me.

  I think right now, I struggle to remember WHO I am. Somewhere, sometime, I forgot the person I am, or was. I look at myself in the mirror, and I know my name, know where I work, know what I am, but....WHO am I? Where am I lost, where did I leave myself behind? Did I get lost in the crush of ungrateful and career minded managers and bosses? Was I left shattered in one of my failed relationships? Was I abandoned in an amusement park by an untrustworthy soul? Was I slowly whittled away by an amalgamation of all of them, toppled by society and left as unworthy, another person ground down to nothing and discarded because I didn't suit a purpose for someone?

 Could be.

 Not in a good place,

Could be a theme.

 My career choice leaves little to the imagination, as it wasn't really much of a choice. Finishing school and not knowing what I wanted to do with myself, I entered the workforce (for obvious reasons, I will not divulge the name of my slave mas.....company), a company that at one point in time was a very good one to work for, but has since fallen into the masses of corporations that no longer feel that fostering camaraderie or team spirit is important, nor is ensuring a happy productive workforce. That would most certainly be a stepping stone in the right direction. Twenty plus years of service, and being treated like an idiot are my rewards. Watching good and deserving people get passed over, and in turn hiring the worst they can off the streets, are my benefits.


  Does a fair job at chipping away the confidence.


 Speaking of....where did mine go? Used to have it, not sure where mine went. Not that I was the most confident person in the world, and I most certainly didn't ooze it out every pore in my body, but I had some. Now it feels like it's been left shredded, and tattered in the wind, fluttering on a breeze of illusions, and false bravado. The air of being self-assured an act, something briefly worn and cast aside when the task is done, or stripped away by someone who feels they have more to gain in belittling people, rather than build them up.


No, its gone for now, somewhere, wandering alone, scared and lost.

 What does one do when one feels....., lost and useless?

 Move onto something else? Make a new life, or career for themselves?

 So many things I want to do with my life, and with my being feeling, torn and set adrift, how can I? At what point should I have said, "ENOUGH!"? When does it become 'My Time"? At what point can I stop living for other people, this...pointless job, the feeling of being distant and unreadable? Why do I feel like I have to shut myself away from people, not letting me out?


 I can't find me! I should have put a note on myself; "If found lost and wandering, please return to Me".

 All I know is, I hit my breaking point. I hate what I have become, hate the thing I am. I am not Me, not anymore, and haven't been for a long time. Don't know where and when I lost myself, but I think its high time I reconnected.

 Yes, it is time for change. I think I depend on it happening. Not that I am going to do something drastic, though those thoughts occurred in the past. I just see things not ending well for me, should I lose it again.


 I think for now, this wraps it up for 'Me'. Not that I am out of things to say, just that I am out of things to talk about. Or...things I am willing to talk about.

I will come back to this again, been too long between vents and rants.

   ...and baring what is left of "Me"





 If you happen to see "Me", could you send me back this way, I miss me.



 

Fuck me.....

Not literally.....although we can talk about that later.


 Well, its been a loooong ass time, bastards. How the hell are you? Im....fine. Just been away from the writing and blogging thing. Nothing to write about, and at the same time...too much to write about. Been living my life for other people again, and not enough for myself. Time to fix that. Thank gawd I can come down with a cold on my day off.


  Going to make a point of coming back to this one, at least more often. Now, if you will excuse me, I am out....going to get some more tea I think, and relax, and write some more. On something else....not a blog. I have some ideas in mind, and need to write about it.

Other news....perhaps a full on youtube and twitch channel on the way. About what...stay tuned and see.


 More to follow,